Healing back into our values
I've been a nurse now for seven years now: my boomerang journey from compassion to anger and back
Dear Friends,
I used to have this quote pinned at my desk at work, but since I'm on leave, it has been floating around with me in the whirlwind of stuff from journal to wallet to car that says "the only thing we ever have is- what we give away.’
I have been fearful to reclaim this ethos as someone whose altruism has been exploited time and again, especially as a healthcare worker. I think many of us can relate to laying down our initial values (compassion, service, generosity) that drew us to healthcare because of how we have perceived them to leading us to being burned and taken advantage of. We may even look back on our former self with judgement as foolish and naïve.
Time and time again, these core values have been exploited at work. Personally, the most rage-filled I have ever been was peak pandemic when management had staff furloughed at home and yet had taken advantage of the California emergency mandate to suspend nurse to patient ratio. I remember they said to us "if you were in this profession for the right reason, you would be okay with this (working the most short-staffed of my life)." I felt so insulted because as nurses, we had already transgressed every remaining boundary of ourselves for the sake of our patients, in an attempt to be true to our values.
And though this is completely different example, we struggle also with how to protect our altruism in the community building of Introspective Spaces too. Even in this sphere, it has been our own challenge to charge money for our offerings and move toward the belief that this time of ours and work of ours is worth being compensated for. Countless fellow creators, activists, and organizers do this sort of work at great personal cost and are expected to do most things for free. We commend and support HCWs, especially women HCWs, to be paid for their time and work.
This is all true, and yet-- as Anu and I heal, as we become more whole- I've noticed we are able to hold the paradox of generosity and boundaries with more ease. We realized that compassion and our core values were never the issue, like I had erroneously felt it to be. It was the lack of right to my own safety and proper boundaries that had me hardened and unrecognizable to myself. As we have moved to different settings and institutions, prioritized our own health, turned to our own spiritual paths, slowly down the work of growing our self-worth, and most of all the witness of our stories in community, giving doesn't feel so triggering or threatening anymore.
I believe the mark of a healthy spirituality or reflective practice is the ability to hold two or more things that feel mutually exclusive, to move beyond either/or thinking. I am amazed I can look at this card and feel a flicker of resonance again. There was a time when this would have just made me angry. What signs and symptoms do you notice that remind you of your old self?
In friendship,
Laura and Anu
Between our patient facing work and the destruction we witness daily in Gaza, it feels my mind is always filled with death. I loved the part of this poem that says “There are days we live as if death were nowhere in the background” This feels nearly impossible and yet, summer peaches from my peach true have truly transported me to a liminal realm away that reflects this author’s sentiment. I hope you enjoy a moment of transportation too.
From Blossoms
BY LI-YOUNG LEE
From blossoms comes
this brown paper bag of peaches
we bought from the boy
at the bend in the road where we turned toward
signs painted Peaches.
From laden boughs, from hands,
from sweet fellowship in the bins,
comes nectar at the roadside, succulent
peaches we devour, dusty skin and all,
comes the familiar dust of summer, dust we eat.
O, to take what we love inside,
to carry within us an orchard, to eat
not only the skin, but the shade,
not only the sugar, but the days, to hold
the fruit in our hands, adore it, then bite into
the round jubilance of peach.
There are days we live
as if death were nowhere
in the background; from joy
to joy to joy, from wing to wing,
from blossom to blossom to
impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom.
Registration now open!
We are so excited to offer The Artist’s Way for the healthcare worker community!
The Artist’s Way is a twelve week workbook to reconnect with your inner artist through play, reflection, exercises, and examining our inner beliefs about our creativity.
Anu and I have been inspired by our experience with the Artist’s Way. We see this as an important tool in unblocking our own creativity, healing our imagination, so we can reimagine a new way forward into healthcare together.
We will be offering this to individuals in our community, but we are also seeking clinics, units, and workplaces who may have more than one person interested so we can form a pod at that institution for a discounted rate.
Registration is now open! Sign up here!
Our team is expanding! We are seeking someone highly organized and mission driven (interested in healthcare worker wellbeing) to help keep Introspective Spaces run smoothly. This would be mostly a backend role- project management, copyediting, and administration with potential for live event support as well. Set your own schedule, 2-4 hours a week with potential to increase. This is remote work, however residing in Los Angeles would be a plus. Pay rate $20-25/hr. If this is you or someone you know please email us your resume and why this is of interest to you!
